Instead, he offers this: “So as the G-8 summit meeting convenes this week, focusing on Africa, it’s worth acknowledging that Mr. Bush, and conservatives generally, have in many ways been great for the developing world. At their best, they bring a healthy dose of hands-on practicality to their efforts.”

Practicality, like these people are so fucked why bother to even try practicality. Most of the aid Bush has given to Africa–if it even makes it there once it’s appropriated–was arm-twisted and shamed out of him, and he ties it to impractical practices, like abstinence-only sex education. And we don’t even have money to lend, thanks to a completely impractical war being fought with an impractical lack of strategy.

In the absence of substantial aid, monetary or otherwise, a practical president interested in helping the country out of its ditch could try to do something about Robert Mugabe, could do something about what’s going on in the Sudan, and would give more than Bush has–European leaders on their way to the G8 summit are begging Bush to commit more resources, but he refuses, and he has even cut off funding for the UN Population Fund. For all Bush seems to care about Africa, it may as well not exist.

“U.S. Alert: Terrorists May Blind Pilots With Lasers
Federal officials are concerned that terrorists could try to down aircraft by blinding pilots with laser beams on landing.”

The article quotes the NASA space station manager, William Gerstenmaier, who said, “This is not easy and requires lots of compromises.”

“For example,” he added, “if the shortage persists, our astronauts may need to compromise by curbing their calories further, for example by not eating any food at all, and slowly starving to death in an environment where, as the movie Alien reminded us, no one can hear you scream.”

Upon further questioning, Gerstenmaier admitted that the astronauts would be so weakened by hunger as to be unlikely to scream. “A weak kind of moaning is more likely,” said Gerstenmaier. “Maybe something like a kind of soft, ‘Help,’ or ‘Tell my baby girl I love her,’ then nothing.” Gerstenmaier suggested that the two astronauts would likely use their remaining energy to fight over scraps of food or the chance to devour one another. “If the victor even has the energy to chew through those polyeurethane suits I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” said Gerstenmaier.

But that is where the similarities end. Unlike Decry, Brooks is paid to write, and the readership of his New York Times exceeds the readership of Decry by infinity percent, which is what you get when you divide 1,500,000 by zero. And most importantly, unlike Decry, Brooks is a stupid, whiny conservative who desperately wants people to believe that he’s an intellectual.

Brooks is not the only New York Times columnist who should relinquish his job to someone more like me (see future entries “Shut the fuck up, Bill Safire,” “Shut the fuck up, Thomas Friedman,” and “Quit being such a pussy, Nicholas Kristof”), but he is the most obnoxious. Just look at his picture. As if that weren’t enough, Brooks also has goofy teeth and irritating mannerisms, like twitching his head to the side every time he finishes a sentence. You can watch him doing this while discussing his multiple moves to and from suburbia here.

I would forgive Brooks his puniness and ugliness if it weren’t for the screed that he makes me read every three days. His most recent column is again a steaming pile of crap that describes a fantasy world of global welfare and credits it to free trade.

November 27: “Good News About Poverty”

Brooks leads off by saying that he “hates to be the bearer of good news” because “only pessimists are considered intellectually serious.” Oh yes, David Brooks, we know how important it is to you that you be considered intellectually serious. We can see it reflected in your silly glasses and in your affectations, and in the way you howled when it was observed on November 3rd that nearly every literate American voted against George Bush.

Brooks continues on to make a willfully ignorant case that globalization helps poor people worldwide, principally by citing national economic indicators from Asian countries and rehashing a trickle-down argument. He quickly dismisses all of sub-Saharan Africa as an outlier, blaming their troubles on “bad governments and AIDS.” It is not clear why David Brooks thinks he is qualified to discourse on global flows of capital and world suffering; perhaps he learned about these things while cutting his journalistic teeth as a police reporter for the Chicago City News Bureau.

“Write this on your forehead,” Brooks pukes, “Free trade reduces world suffering.” Well, no thank you. But here’s what I will write on my forehead, you foreskin: “Shut the fuck up, Ralph Nader.”

“Somehow an entropic octet obsessed with obscure kung fu movies and even more obscure neo-Gnostic theology became one of the decade’s most visible pop-culture brand names.”

“No cause of death has been determined, but already, as often happens, wild anecdotes and bits of speculative biography are threatening to obscure the exhilarating music that won him so many fans.”

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Bush has spared the life of the nation’s Thanksgiving turkey after an election to name the bird which he reports was “neck and neck.'’

Continuing a 57-year White House tradition, the president formally issued the pardon for Blood of Christ and the back-up bird named Beast with Seven Heads, Seven Horns, and Seven Crowns in a Rose Garden ceremony. Evangelical Christians made up 22% of the voting-for-turkey-names electorate. Ending another 57-year White House tradition, the President will in fact slaughter, then eat, both birds. “I prayed on it and I just can’t see any reason to waste this capital I’ve earned,” said Mr. Bush.

The turkeys were raised in West Virginia and will now go to a petting zoo in the Washington suburbs, where Mr. Bush will enjoy a Thanksgiving feast of turkey, mashed potatoes, cute baby goats, and little yellow chicks.

The naming ballot was conducted on the White House Web site, which recorded thousands of entries. The names “Patience'’ and “Fortitude'’ came in second. “Lying Bastard” and “Abu Ghraib” tied for third.

Bush reports it was a nasty campaign, with attack ads from a group called “Barnyard Animals for Truth'’ and what he says was a scurrilous film called “Fahrenheit 375 Degrees at Ten Minutes Per Pound” which falsely claimed that turkeys were foolish creatures with retarded decision-making abilities that did not treat other animals as equals. Barnyard Animals for Truth replied that “all animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.”

“In your re-election, God has graciously granted America - though she doesn’t deserve it - a reprieve from the agenda of paganism,” Mr. Jones wrote. “Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ.”

“The secondary antibody was a goat anti-rabbit IgG (H+L) horseradish peroxidase conjugate.”

I’m not sure what this means, exactly, or what horseradish has to do with it, but I sure do like the idea of an anti-rabbit goat.

Dear Mr. President:

Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling. Americans have been spared the violence and savagery of terrorist attack on our soil since September 11, 2001.

During the last four years our violent crime rate has plunged to a 30-year low. By that I mean that the number of violent crimes has actually risen on my watch. There have been more robberies, more assaults, more household burglaries, more car thefts, more theft in general, and more property crimes. And it’s a good thing we don’t count murders as “violent crimes” because the number of murders actually increased between 2002 and 2003. And the claims of a reduction in violent crime are based on victim interviews, so when I say there has been a reduction in violent crime, I mean there are fewer people who think they have been the victim of a violent crime.

Under your “Project Safe Neighborhoods” the number of gun crimes has fallen to its lowest level in modern history, although American kids are still 16 times more likely to be murdered with a gun than kids in the 25 other industrialized nations, and because only 2% of federal gun crimes are actually prosecuted, they don’t really count as crimes in our statistics, so ka-ching! Plus, we prosecuted 5% fewer gun traffikers in 2003 than in 2002 and we didn’t file one case against a gun retailer for illegal sales in 2003–which means there are fewer guns falling into the wrong hands. And there’s more, Mr. President! The proportion of homicides committed with guns has risen to its highest level since 1997 and the FBI says homicide rates have actually increased. I strongly support an aggressive restructuring of the FBI.

Drug use among America’s young people has fallen and continues to fall significantly. Well, if a couple of tenths of a percent is “significant.” Use of inhalants has actually increased, and I look forward to arresting and torturing these young men and women once they turn 18.

Corporate integrity has been restored despite the work of your Corporate Fraud Task Force, which has been working tirelessly to defraud investors and deceive the American public. The record number of high-profile scandals is the best way to demonstrate your policies are working, just as the rising casualties in Iraq show you are successfully luring terrorists into your trap. As a result United States markets have reinforced their position as the trusted allocators of the world’s capital resources.

Thank you for your leadership which has made these and many other justice-related achievements program activities possible. And thank you for ensuring that we never realize these possibilities.

The demands of justice are rewarding, depleting, and erotic. I take great personal satisfaction, if you know what I mean, in the record which has been developed, so to speak. The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved. So, I guess you can call off that war on terror thing. Because there is no more terror. No backsies.

The “rule of law” has been “strengthened” and “upheld” in the courts, and where no rule of law exists, we have initiated a “rule of secrecy” whereby we can torture Arabs without the meddling interference of the “international community.” Yet, I believe that the Department of Justice would be well served by new leadership and fresh inspiration. I believe that my energies and “talents” should be directed toward other challenging horizons, like not fucking up the Department of Justice any more.

Therefore, I “humbly” state my desire to resign from the office of United States Attorney General.

It would be my pleasure, if you know what I mean, to structure the announcement of this resignation and the ensuing transition in conjunction with you so that your administration and the cause of justice are served optimally. No, I don’t understand that part either, Mr. President. Hand this note to Karen Hughes.

I have handwritten this letter so its confidentiality can be maintained until the appropriate arrangements mentioned above can be made. I hope this letter also serves as proof to historians of the future that I can write.

I am grateful to you for the profound “honor” of serving under your clear, principled leadership and under the leadership of the higher power we both revere.

May Gogdra continue to bless, guide, and direct you and your family as you lead America forward in freedom.

Most Sincerely,

John Ashcroft

Now they tell us. Shit, if I had known we were safe from terror, I would have voted for that chicken-shit terrorist-hugging sissy John Kerry.