Look me in the eye when you pass me in the hall.
Listen&#151I think you are a turd but no one knows that but me. You know my name. You see me. Look me in the eye and nod, or, if you are feeling adventurous, say hello. You are an adult. You can do it.

If you do make eye contact with me, say something.
I know you see me. You looked right at me. Now you are looking down at your feet. You are an adult. You are married. You can say hello. That’s what people do when they are grown up.

Dont make derogatory comments when you see me going to get coffee.
Tons of people drink coffee, and some of those people even work here. So when you see me going to get a cup of coffee, dont smirk or say something like, “On your morning coffee run?” like I am going to throw my newborn infant in the trash.

Dont ignore my emails.
Is it because I am the youngest person in the office? Why do you ignore my emails? I need you to take care of this as fast as possible, and I am tired of using the subject heading “please reply” just to get you to email me telling me that you are too busy screwing up other people’s requests to get to mine.

Start a new pot of coffee when you finish the pot.
It wasnt me, so it must have been an adult who did it, and that is just sad. When you finish the coffee that’s available, start a new pot. I know you have all sorts of important shit to do, like not reply to my emails or laugh really loudly or have meetings with the door open so we can all hear your inane office-speak or smile like a fucking mental patient or sing to yourself or wink at me or comment on the weather or ask endless strings of inane questions about simple things, but it only takes a second to put on a new pot.

Dont comment on my clothing.
Yes, I know I am wearing an undershirt to work. And no, I dont own a brush. Look around&#151it’s a casual workplace. Not so fucking snide now that you got fired, huh?

Dont reply to group emails just to say thanks.
No one needs five emails from five different people all thanking the one person who sent out some announcement or accomplished something. Why not just reply to that person? Or why not refrain from replying altogether? It’s just clogging up my inbox.

When I say excuse me, reply.
When I am entering the bathroom just as you are leaving, and we open the door at the same time, and I say excuse me, reply. You can say no problem, or my fault, or no, pardon me. But dont just dodge past me without a word.

Dont talk to me when we are pissing.
You dont talk to me in the lunch room, in the hall, or at my desk. Why would you talk to me when we are both pissing? It just doesnt make sense.

When I say goodbye, turn slightly toward me to say goodbye back.
I leave work much, much earlier than most people and I am quitting soon. I am not the most social coworker in the world, but I try to be pleasant. So when I say goodbye at the end of my day, please turn just slightly in my direction if you choose to reply, instead of saying goodbye like you are delivering instructions to a voice-response phone system.

Stop being such a bitch on the basketball court.
You are at least 6′5″, 280 lbs. That means you cant call pussy fouls when you get bumped. And you cant call fouls or question my foul calls when you are not playing. You are the biggest pussy I’ve ever met and I hate your guts.

Dont come up behind me when I am using my headphones and hit me in the back.
That’s just stupid. Wipe that fucking grin off your face.

Dont be rude to me any more.
I know you feel somewhat threatened by me because I am younger than you and we went to the same school so I may have gotten higher SAT scores than you. But that does not give you license to shit on me because I dont speak office lingo and object to the use of the word “partner” as a verb. Am I being oversensitive? Yes. But you should still ask to use my post-it notes instead of just pointing at them, and remind me that our meeting is in one minute instead of sticking your watch in my face.

Dont blame me if you cant get your shit done right.
You screwed up and I didnt catch your error. Whose fault is that? Wrong&#151it’s your fault. I dont like you either but let’s get that straight.

In an effort to archive the few remaining bits of a period in time I prefer not to remember, I was scanning (as in computer scanning, not scanning as in a quick parse using the eyeball as a primary tool) the pages of a children’s book made for my english class senior project in high school (the pages are falling to pieces and fading). In the process of digitizing I realized how appropriate the book is now… and probably has been and will be, since the themes it addresses aren’t going away anytime soon…

So, sit back (for all of 3 minutes), and treat yourself to “Bees”.

Which is, if you can’t tell, a children’s book.

This is great. It is from the New York Times, 22 March 2003.

The scene near the village of Shu Aiba seemed to illustrate the plight of the Iraqi soldiers who had chosen to give up. When a platoon of marines drove up the Baghdad Highway this morning, they found three Iraqi soldiers waiting to surrender. The men had been living under a bridge, surviving on a diet of tomatoes.

By midmorning, the three Iraqi soldiers were sitting on blankets and picking from the bright yellow food packets provided by the Americans. They seemed ashamed to be prisoners, but made clear that a greater dread was life in the Iraqi Army.

“We are not cowards, but what is the point?” said Ahmed Ghobashi, an Iraqi colonel from Baghdad. “I’ve got a rifle from World War II. What can I do against American airplanes?”

Colonel Ghobashi talked on for a while, detailing his participation in the disastrous wars begun by Mr. Hussein in Iran and Kuwait. He had been a professional soldier, he said, and he did not sign up to engage in fanciful adventures. As Colonel Ghobashi talked on, his tone grew bitter, until he concluded that Saddam Hussein must have a secret agenda.

“He doesn’t give us enough to eat, and he doesn’t pay us,” the colonel said. “And then he starts this thing with the Americans and then tells us to defend the country against the invasion.”

Colonel Ghobashi pursed his lips in contemplation and rendered his final opinion on Mr. Hussein.

“I believe he is an American agent,” he said.

South Carolina is reporting on a speech Ralph Nader gave at the University of South Carolina: “President Bush is a messianic militarist,” Nader said.

While Nader makes some decent&#151if uninteresting&#151points, but we’ve still got to say, shut the fuck up, Ralph Nader.

We’d also like to say shut the fuck up, Ralph Nader, to the 12 Republican congressmen who, according to the New York Times, “said journalists — specifically Peter Jennings, the ABC News anchor — were asking soldiers ‘inappropriate’ questions, like what anxiety they had about fighting. The congressmen asked Mr. Rumsfeld to explain why he was not imposing ‘censorship.’”

Shut the fuck up, Ralph Nader.

Decry.org is sowing the seeds of legitimacy with its up-to-the-minute updates on what’s being called a backlash against France for their stance on war with Iraq. Of course the word backlash is a misnomer, since there was no initial lash to backlash against. Take heed, real news networks.

Here are some graphic-worthy nicknames for the situation:
No Fight in the City of Lights
We’ve Got France in Our Pants
Chirac: Don’t Jock Iraq
Parlez-vous Peace?

And for Fox:
The Gall of the Gauls
French Bastards Hate Americans, So Fuck Them

Oh, and check out this simile. It is so good, it belongs in the New York Times:

“Like a steroid-addled athlete in the offseason, the post-Cold War US is resorting to petty violence to satiate its need for competition.”

It’s a little forced, but the imagery is solid.

As as for our boast of up-to-the-minute updates, here’s Exhibit A, the dumbass who spraypainted “Scum go back to France” in red paint on American citizen Francoise Thomas’s house in Houston, Texas.

A massive new centrally heated dormitory has been built at the South Pole for researchers to live in. The article states that “nearly everyone will get his own window.”

If you think this is bullshit, let me hear you say ‘hell yeah’. What’s next? All researchers get free gift certificates to the Starbucks in the new South Pole Barnes & Noble ? I mean, what’s the point of researching in the South Pole if you’re not miserable and near death? It’s contrary to the entire spirit of pole exploring, and I’m opposed. I’m just imagining these pussies getting tired cold and quitting their work and going inside for hot cocoa. My own opinion is that if you still have ten toes, you have not done research in the Antarctica.

Unless . . . .

Bruce, what are the chances we could get dibs on a South Pole Starbucks franchise? Hit me on the mauve beeper.

We did it!

I want to congratulate everyone&#151Scooter, Tank, Niner, Snake Eyes&#151for the months and months of hard work you put into this project. See you in Bali!

&#151Bruce Lionheart

Check out this wacky article from the New York Times.

WASHINGTON, Feb. 19 — The Department of Homeland Security began an intensive effort today to condition Americans mentally and physically for possible attack, and in a bold reserval from their former policy of scaring the shit out of people with vague warnings, has issued detailed advice on how to prepare for a terrorist assault.

The secretary of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, announced the campaign in Cincinnati, where he urged Americans to be alert without panicking and not to surrender to a sense of fatalism.

“Don’t panic,” said Ridge. “I mean, if you don’t have any duct tape you should panic but if you picked some up in last week’s panic, then you’re done panicking for now, and should conserve your energy for fighting for uncontaminated food with other biological attack survivors.”

The secretary said that general preparedness would do more than speed recovery from an attack. He said it could even prevent one. “Terror forces us to make a choice,” he said. “We can be afraid or we can be ready.

“At first, we chose afraid. We figured it was easier. Then we tried to compromise, but now that spring is just around the corner, we’re going for ready.”

Called the Ready Campaign, the drive announced today seemed at first glance to be an exhaustive compilation of pointers that Mr. Ridge’s department has been setting out for weeks, highlighted by new phone numbers and Web sites.

Here are some of the highlights from the department’s ReadyList:

1. Don’t panic.
2. I said don’t fucking panic. Yes, terrorists are chattering about dropping a dirty bomb in [your name here]’s neighborhood in [your home town], [your home state]. But that doesn’t mean panic.
3. That duct tape we told you to buy last week will do nothing to save you in the event of an attack.
4. An “orange” alert means there is a “high” risk of an attack. “Orange” you glad that I didn’t say red? (Red=bad)
4. If something bad does happen, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Mr. Ridge invoked images of events that Americans were familiar with long before the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

“Think about it,” he said. “Tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, snowstorms — families prepare, communities prepare as a matter of routine for those events. So let’s embrace the same attitude and the same approach and take some simple steps to protect ourselves and our families against a possible terrorist attack.”

Nationwide panic followed Ridge’s announcement that terrorists were planning tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, and snowstorm attacks.

“Let me be very clear,” he said “Taking charge of your own safety does not mean that you’re charging into this fight alone. In addition to our Ready Campaign, the Department of Homeland Security stands ready to deter and detect terrorism 24 hours a day.”

Private citizens have asserted their own ability to detect terrorism, saying they would stay alert for warning signs like huge smoking holes in the ground or in other people, and the sound of screaming or maniacal, foreign-sounding laughter.

Another asshole scientist is at the fore of the latest effort to make people’s lives miserable. Professor Peter Strike told a Scottish newspaper that sitting on grass and drinking Earl Grey tea damage your DNA.

That’s right, the same grass that is everywhere. Evil green tendrils clutching at our DNA through the seats of our pants or the soles of our feet. Getting rid of it should prove reasonably easy. For those of you wondering how to deal with this threat, check out these Decry Qwik Tipz:

1. Grass is vulnerable to fire. If fire gets out of control, do not throw water on it! Grass loves water. Use baking soda, a blanket, or a burlap sack. (Extra: Leave the blanket on afterwards to deny the grass sustinence from the life-giving sun.)
2. Grass is vulnerable to animals eating it. Good animals for this are cows, sheep, and bored dogs. (Note: Bored dogs also eat poop. Gross!)
3. Grass is vulnerable to most weapons. Bladed instruments work better than blunt ones, but the dedicated professional should find success with anything heavy. Projectile weapons have found less success. Best bet: flamethrowers (see #1)
4. Grass is vulnerable to machines. Machines are all around us! Some of the more popular machines, like cars, weedwackers, huge fucking backhoe things, and humongous hydraulic drills are great for turning that threatening green lawn into a child-safe expanse of smooth brown earth. Furbys are less effective.
4. Grass is vulnerable to stomping and rutting. Get out there and go!

Sadly, Earl Grey tea is another matter altogether. Named after a British nobleman, this tea is reknowned in international circles. In other words, the Illuminati is circulating Earl Grey tea among the masses in order to damage their DNA and create a genetically inferior race of slaves. We can only hope that their plan will go horribly wrong and that they are in fact creating a race of genetically superior supermen. Superheroes are the only solution.

Professor Strike has been contacted by Decry regarding heading a superhero team called StrykeForce IX.

LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James

Now when people look for LeBron James on Google, they’ll find us. Yes!!! Being on the Internet is all about being clever.