From a paper that I’m reading:

“The secondary antibody was a goat anti-rabbit IgG (H+L) horseradish peroxidase conjugate.”

I’m not sure what this means, exactly, or what horseradish has to do with it, but I sure do like the idea of an anti-rabbit goat.

DID YOU KNOW that women are considerably more at risk of tearing their anterior cruciate ligaments (ACL)? God gave women weak ACLs so that they would stay home and raise babies, instead of going outside to run, jump, and play soccer. ACL injuries are God’s way of saying that running and playing amongst women is an abomination unto God, and he hateth it.

From the Wall Street Journal:

… the real gold standard of political invective was set in the 18th century, in an exchange between John Montagu, fourth Earl of Sandwich, and John Wilkes, a sometime friend of his and a rakish member of the aristocracy.

“You will die, sir, either on the gallows or from the pox,” said Montagu. To which Wilkes replied, “That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

Oh Snap!

Bush: “Iran would be dangerous if it had a nuclear weapon.”

So would have Iraq. And what’s the deal with North Korea, which actually does have weapons?

So much has happened this week, dear readers. The transmission in my car broke, my DVD player broke, I forgot that I had boughten tickets to see the Moscow Ballet and missed the show, and in trying to plan a cross-coastal move, I realized that it costs a lot to transport your gear from California to North Carolina, and that if you want to move your stuff, you should not have quit your job two months ago.

But enough about me&#151let’s check the headlines.

• JLo and Ben Assfuck have to reshoot their love scenes in the upcoming movie Gigli (pronounced “jiggly,” like JLo’s ass, or possibly “jelly,” like JLo’s ass) because test audiences found them boring. That sucks, because they are married. Or maybe will be married soon. Check out the story for an uber-awkward photo of JLo soon after being attacked by pastel-weiling vandals.

• The NBA expansion team starting up in Charlotte next year or some time has chosen their mascot and logo. Keeping alive the tradition of dubbing new NBA teams with silly, childish names (see the Raptors or the Grizzlies), the new team will be known as the Charlotte Bobcats and their logo will look like this. That’s probably better than the other options&#151the Flight (too much like the intangibles-heavy WNBA) or the Dragons (too JRR Tolkien)&#151but that doesnt change the fact that orange is the premoninant color on team jerseys.

  The NBA entered a new realm of ridiculousness by writing an article about the animal at their website in which they interviewed a North Carolina biologist. According to her, the bobcat is “athletic, adaptable to varying climates and conditions, and deceptively powerful for its size.”

  And check this out: “The identity of the Charlotte Bobcats will be much like their namesake. The team will be quick, agile, tenacious and aggressive. And, like the feline, the Charlotte Bobcats will be hard-working and fierce in attack.”

  Bobcats’ “fur coloration varies from light gray to yellowish brown to reddish brown and may include markings such as “tabby” stripes or spots,” which should help the team blend into the tawny hardwood basketball court. The bobcat also boasts “binocular vision that enables it to focus on swiftly running prey; pupils that expand to take in all available light and enhance the animal’s ability to hunt at night; and claws, used for climbing and grasping, are retractable, providing the bobcat a form of natural ’stealth technology’ that allows it to quietly approach prey.” The logo may suck, but on the QT and very Hush Hush, this team is going to tear the competition to shreds!! The only drawback: “The tail is short in comparison to other cats, but not as easily recognizable as the ears.”

• And finally, researchers have traced the origin of HIV back not just to monkeys, but to monkeys that ate other monkeys. But a more important discovery is hidden in the trxt of the article: “Because wild chimpanzees, which grow nearly six feet tall, can easily kill humans, getting blood samples is dangerous, so researchers watch chimps closely enough to be able to test their feces and urine.”

  What?! Wild chimpanzees can grow to up to six feet tall, and “chase monkeys through forest canopies while others wait in nearby trees to swat their prey off branches, and yet others follow on the ground, leaping on fallen monkeys and battering them to death.” Holy shit. I thought it was cute when they fit the red peg into the peghole&#151I didnt know they were going to devour me and infect me with AIDS. Criminey.

From the White House:

Robert, from Altoona, PA writes:
How do you feel when humorists like Capitol Steps and the Onion poke fun at you or your policies? And who are your favorite political humorists?

Tom Ridge
I like to think that I have a pretty good sense of humor and enjoy a good story or joke. And I also think that humor is a very effective way of communicating serious messages. So when political cartoonists, singing groups or comedians talk about duct tape, it is a humorous reminder for all Americans to take a look at our web site (www.ready.gov) to review our emergency preparedness recommendations and kit suggestions. When they talk about the color coded warning system, they remind us that the 21st century includes a different kind of enemy, international terrorism, that has America as its primary target and that we need to understand that we must be constantly vigilant and on the alert.

No, Tom. When humorists joke about duct tape, they’re not suggesting that people check out your website. They’re referring to how laughably ridiculous your agency is, how all the only protection they can offer Americans is the kind we can buy at a hardware store. And when they talk about the color coded warning system, they are not reminding us about the unique challenges of 21st century bad guys. They are ridiculing your childish efforts at creating a coherent warning system. You’ve failed, tubby.

And this is also funny, since Bush calls Ridge “Tom” but Ridge calls Bush “Mr President.” Zap!

Amanda, from Evangel Christian School writes:
Dear Mr. Tom Ridge,

How does it feel to work with the President?

Tom Ridge
The President and I have known each other almost 20 years. I know him as a friend — now I know him as my boss. We are on a first name basis based on our longtime friendship. He calls me Tom and I call him Mr. President. I am privileged to be part of an extraordinary group of men and women that President Bush has assembled throughout his Administration. Several of us meet every morning with the President and Vice President to review our national and international effort to combat terrorism.

New Feature: ‘Splain Dis.

Can someone explain why we need the FBI to issue a terrorist attack warning after a wave of attacks? Anyone who reads the news would be capable of issuing their own warning. I guess that means it’s not a warning–it’s more of a heads up. Like heads up, dogg, the terrorists bombed some places and may bomb more. Read the news for more news.

I find that in general, warnings are more effective before the incident in question, rather than after.

So a while ago Rob wrote an article for this website, rich in derisive snorts, about the idea that George Bush would receive a nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Well, it done come true. (And apparently it was true last year, too. Last year’s article is funny because about a paragraph in there is a bold subhead that says “Unlikely.” Oh snap!)

“I’m not especially optimistic that Bush and Blair will win but I think it’s worth a try,” said Jan Simonsen, a right-wing independent in Norway’s parliament. That’s right, Jan, because the deadline for nominations was February 1. And starting wars might be a demerit, too.

If your childhood home was like mine, you heard a lot of NPR growing up. Your home may have had fewer tigers than mine, but I bet that all it takes to calm your nerves is a 15-minute dose of All Things Considered.

But what do the faces attached to the voices look like? What a stupid question, you say. I know it’s a stupid question, but I am bored, so shut it.

Check out NPR’s bio site to see. Sadly, none of the people we’ve come to love&#151Bob Edwards, Corey Flintoff, Nina Totenburg&#151are hot. Steve Inskeep is kind of hot, but not really, and Sylvia Poggioli has an old world allure, but that’s about it. You’ll be happy to know that the Magliozzi brothers, of Car Talk fame, look exactly as they should.

WASHINGTON - The halls of justice are open to all, or so we learn in civics class, but one visitor got the bum’s rush at the Supreme Court on Friday.

The uninvited guest was a small brown bat, first seen flying around the court’s huge ceremonial main hall on Wednesday night, court spokeswoman Kathy Arberg said. The bat eluded a search party, but reappeared Friday morning as tourists milled around the hall and filed up the long marble front steps.

Webglomerate Decry.org claimed responsibility for the attack, asserting that the court had “gone batty” by allowing legislation like the USA PATRIOT act to go unchallenged.

Police closed the court’s front doors, and a groundskeeper unsuccessfully attempted to collar the bat with a trash can. Finally, Justice Antonin Scalia ambushed the creature and devoured it. Animal control officers found Scalia naked in a Court bathroom.

Scalia denied eating the bat and explained his bloodied face by saying he bit his tongue while chewing gum.

The eight other justices weren’t around for final disposition of the case, though. They were meeting behind closed doors, in a bat-free room, at the time. Scalia spent much of the morning with his fellow justices, but left abruptly shortly before cornering the bat. Witnesses speculated that Scalia caught the bat’s scent. Scalia can sense blood from a distance of up to two miles.

Operation Bat went better than a foxhunt organized at the court last year. Foxhounds were unable to track down a fox seen slipping into the court’s parking garage.

Justice Anthony M. Kennedy later conceded the dogs were outfoxed, and court police assume the fox found its own way out of the building.

At the time, Justice Scalia vowed never again to let such an intrusion go unpunished.

Decry’s effort mimics last year’s release of a school of trout in the Supreme Court cafeteria, because Decry alleged “something fishy was going on” in the halls of justice. And just three months ago the wry writers threw feces at the Court building, shrieking and stamping in what Decry spokesmodel Tyson Beckford explained was a statement on “how they suck for all that shit they pull sometimes.”

Read the full text of the article here.