The New York Times is reporting that NASA officials have said that “the two astronauts aboard the International Space Station have been asked to curb their calories because of a food shortage.”

The article quotes the NASA space station manager, William Gerstenmaier, who said, “This is not easy and requires lots of compromises.”

“For example,” he added, “if the shortage persists, our astronauts may need to compromise by curbing their calories further, for example by not eating any food at all, and slowly starving to death in an environment where, as the movie Alien reminded us, no one can hear you scream.”

Upon further questioning, Gerstenmaier admitted that the astronauts would be so weakened by hunger as to be unlikely to scream. “A weak kind of moaning is more likely,” said Gerstenmaier. “Maybe something like a kind of soft, ‘Help,’ or ‘Tell my baby girl I love her,’ then nothing.” Gerstenmaier suggested that the two astronauts would likely use their remaining energy to fight over scraps of food or the chance to devour one another. “If the victor even has the energy to chew through those polyeurethane suits I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” said Gerstenmaier.