Text of the resignation letter, dated Nov. 2 and released Tuesday, from Attorney General John Ashcroft to President Bush:

Dear Mr. President:

Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling. Americans have been spared the violence and savagery of terrorist attack on our soil since September 11, 2001.

During the last four years our violent crime rate has plunged to a 30-year low. By that I mean that the number of violent crimes has actually risen on my watch. There have been more robberies, more assaults, more household burglaries, more car thefts, more theft in general, and more property crimes. And it’s a good thing we don’t count murders as “violent crimes” because the number of murders actually increased between 2002 and 2003. And the claims of a reduction in violent crime are based on victim interviews, so when I say there has been a reduction in violent crime, I mean there are fewer people who think they have been the victim of a violent crime.

Under your “Project Safe Neighborhoods” the number of gun crimes has fallen to its lowest level in modern history, although American kids are still 16 times more likely to be murdered with a gun than kids in the 25 other industrialized nations, and because only 2% of federal gun crimes are actually prosecuted, they don’t really count as crimes in our statistics, so ka-ching! Plus, we prosecuted 5% fewer gun traffikers in 2003 than in 2002 and we didn’t file one case against a gun retailer for illegal sales in 2003–which means there are fewer guns falling into the wrong hands. And there’s more, Mr. President! The proportion of homicides committed with guns has risen to its highest level since 1997 and the FBI says homicide rates have actually increased. I strongly support an aggressive restructuring of the FBI.

Drug use among America’s young people has fallen and continues to fall significantly. Well, if a couple of tenths of a percent is “significant.” Use of inhalants has actually increased, and I look forward to arresting and torturing these young men and women once they turn 18.

Corporate integrity has been restored despite the work of your Corporate Fraud Task Force, which has been working tirelessly to defraud investors and deceive the American public. The record number of high-profile scandals is the best way to demonstrate your policies are working, just as the rising casualties in Iraq show you are successfully luring terrorists into your trap. As a result United States markets have reinforced their position as the trusted allocators of the world’s capital resources.

Thank you for your leadership which has made these and many other justice-related achievements program activities possible. And thank you for ensuring that we never realize these possibilities.

The demands of justice are rewarding, depleting, and erotic. I take great personal satisfaction, if you know what I mean, in the record which has been developed, so to speak. The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved. So, I guess you can call off that war on terror thing. Because there is no more terror. No backsies.

The “rule of law” has been “strengthened” and “upheld” in the courts, and where no rule of law exists, we have initiated a “rule of secrecy” whereby we can torture Arabs without the meddling interference of the “international community.” Yet, I believe that the Department of Justice would be well served by new leadership and fresh inspiration. I believe that my energies and “talents” should be directed toward other challenging horizons, like not fucking up the Department of Justice any more.

Therefore, I “humbly” state my desire to resign from the office of United States Attorney General.

It would be my pleasure, if you know what I mean, to structure the announcement of this resignation and the ensuing transition in conjunction with you so that your administration and the cause of justice are served optimally. No, I don’t understand that part either, Mr. President. Hand this note to Karen Hughes.

I have handwritten this letter so its confidentiality can be maintained until the appropriate arrangements mentioned above can be made. I hope this letter also serves as proof to historians of the future that I can write.

I am grateful to you for the profound “honor” of serving under your clear, principled leadership and under the leadership of the higher power we both revere.

May Gogdra continue to bless, guide, and direct you and your family as you lead America forward in freedom.

Most Sincerely,

John Ashcroft