So much has happened this week, dear readers. The transmission in my car broke, my DVD player broke, I forgot that I had boughten tickets to see the Moscow Ballet and missed the show, and in trying to plan a cross-coastal move, I realized that it costs a lot to transport your gear from California to North Carolina, and that if you want to move your stuff, you should not have quit your job two months ago.

But enough about me&#151let’s check the headlines.

• JLo and Ben Assfuck have to reshoot their love scenes in the upcoming movie Gigli (pronounced “jiggly,” like JLo’s ass, or possibly “jelly,” like JLo’s ass) because test audiences found them boring. That sucks, because they are married. Or maybe will be married soon. Check out the story for an uber-awkward photo of JLo soon after being attacked by pastel-weiling vandals.

• The NBA expansion team starting up in Charlotte next year or some time has chosen their mascot and logo. Keeping alive the tradition of dubbing new NBA teams with silly, childish names (see the Raptors or the Grizzlies), the new team will be known as the Charlotte Bobcats and their logo will look like this. That’s probably better than the other options&#151the Flight (too much like the intangibles-heavy WNBA) or the Dragons (too JRR Tolkien)&#151but that doesnt change the fact that orange is the premoninant color on team jerseys.

  The NBA entered a new realm of ridiculousness by writing an article about the animal at their website in which they interviewed a North Carolina biologist. According to her, the bobcat is “athletic, adaptable to varying climates and conditions, and deceptively powerful for its size.”

  And check this out: “The identity of the Charlotte Bobcats will be much like their namesake. The team will be quick, agile, tenacious and aggressive. And, like the feline, the Charlotte Bobcats will be hard-working and fierce in attack.”

  Bobcats’ “fur coloration varies from light gray to yellowish brown to reddish brown and may include markings such as “tabby” stripes or spots,” which should help the team blend into the tawny hardwood basketball court. The bobcat also boasts “binocular vision that enables it to focus on swiftly running prey; pupils that expand to take in all available light and enhance the animal’s ability to hunt at night; and claws, used for climbing and grasping, are retractable, providing the bobcat a form of natural ’stealth technology’ that allows it to quietly approach prey.” The logo may suck, but on the QT and very Hush Hush, this team is going to tear the competition to shreds!! The only drawback: “The tail is short in comparison to other cats, but not as easily recognizable as the ears.”

• And finally, researchers have traced the origin of HIV back not just to monkeys, but to monkeys that ate other monkeys. But a more important discovery is hidden in the trxt of the article: “Because wild chimpanzees, which grow nearly six feet tall, can easily kill humans, getting blood samples is dangerous, so researchers watch chimps closely enough to be able to test their feces and urine.”

  What?! Wild chimpanzees can grow to up to six feet tall, and “chase monkeys through forest canopies while others wait in nearby trees to swat their prey off branches, and yet others follow on the ground, leaping on fallen monkeys and battering them to death.” Holy shit. I thought it was cute when they fit the red peg into the peghole&#151I didnt know they were going to devour me and infect me with AIDS. Criminey.